Below I am copying something that I wrote back in October of 2018. I was in a very deep depression at the time. I just reread it and decided I would post it here. Please know this is not where I am at now. I am doing well, things are going good as long as I continue do the work: going to counseling, taking my meds, going to meetings, working with my sponsor and meditating. I know that what you are going to read may be hard to take in, it would be for me if I was reading this about a friend. I just wanted you to know that before you read it. Not long after writing this I found myself at the mental health unit of a local hospital for nine days. A close friend of mine saw what was going on and took me to the emergency room. I had spiraled so far down I didn’t think I would find my way out of the dark hole I was in. Here is the part a lot of people don’t know, including my family; I had been using marijuana in a couple of different forms for months when all this happened. I stopped about six days before going to the ER and being admitted. I know people that can use weed recreational and some that use it medicinally and do great. I found out that I am not one of those people that can. I started off using it for pain from my fibromyalgia and other pains, also to help with anxiety. At first I was just using CBD oil with a small amount of THC to help boost the effect. I was using the 20:1 ration, CBD:THC at first. Slowly I increased the THC. Eventually I went to edibles with high THC and smoking oil with a vape pen. I was getting high everyday for months up until November. My mental health went off the rails. I was using marijuana to mask, hide and numb my feelings. The writing below shows where I was at, in a very dark place. When you read it remember I am doing way, way better.
“Depression is really hard to talk about and describe. It is not being sad. Sad is a feeling that is temporary, it eventually ends. You may remember a time you were sad and feel it a little more. Depression is another level in the sense that is a different feeling. Depression is draining, like it is sucking the life force out of you but you never die. I just don’t want to do anything when I am depressed. Getting around is a drag. It is like my feet are encased in cement and I am carrying sandbags on my shoulders. Everything sucks when I am depressed, I hate everything. Hell, even eating can suck which is a lot coming from someone that clearly likes to eat. When I am depressed I want to hide away and leave the world outside my bedroom door. I want to block out everything. Once I can block it out I move on to quieting what is happening inside me. With the depression comes anxiety. The anxiety creeps in and takes a seat next to depression. Between the two of them I am a wreck fest. They tell me so many things: I am not good enough for anyone, I am disgusting, I don’t have any real friends or else they would reach out, I am not deserving of anyone’s attention or affection, I should just give up on life and die, me being gone would benefit everyone, I am just a burden to my family. When I am depressed all of this is true to me, I take it all in and hate myself because of it. It seems irrational to believe these things especially if you see me out with friends or spending time with my family. Sometimes the mask I wear gets too heavy and the reality that I am not OK becomes obvious to those around me. This happens the most around my friends and I think it is because somewhere inside I know that is OK for them to see. For my family I can’t let them see it, it would hurt them. I have put them through so much in the past when it comes to my mental health and addiction. Plus I hate the are you feeling/doing OK questions from my family because I always answer that I am, which over half the time is a lie.
OK, I lost track of where I was going with all this. Right, trying to describe depression. When I was a teenager I pictured this girl dressed in black with her hood up and head hanging down, hair covering most of her face. This girl sat in a chair in the back of my mind next to a switch. The switch only had one purpose; when the switch was flipped, I spiraled down. That is how sudden it was sometimes. I would be fine and laughing with my friends or family and then the next day I would want to give up on life. Sometimes it would happen in the same day. Just like that I sank into another depressive episode. It is absolutely insane that things go seemingly amazing to complete shit in a matter of moments. Sometimes there is a point in which I can see there is a trigger and makes that switch get flipped but more often then not I cannot see any triggering event.
I have horrible thoughts when I get down in the depression hole where everything is dark. The world around me looks dim and inside my head there is a storm brewing. At first I just want to be left alone, I want to isolate. After that goes on for awhile, if I am still in it then I start just thinking about what I want to do to make the feelings go away. Usually at this point making them go away consists of stuffing them as deep as possible and ignore the fact that I feel like crap. When I can no longer stuff the feelings any deeper, when they are going to overflow or worse explode, I look at numbing the feelings and thoughts. This can be something easier like hyper-focusing on something like a hobby, binge watching a show or zoning out on video games for hours. Just letting my mind get lost in something that is disconnected from the actual things happening around me. If that stops working then I am in trouble. I start entertaining the thoughts of doing things that are unhealthy escapes. Getting mind-numbing high, drinking until I can no longer hold the bottle or even self-harm. Entertaining the idea turns into planning on how to do something without getting caught. This is where I am at. Now, I do use my RSO oil cartridges on a daily basis to help with the anxiety. The problem is when I want to keep sucking down the vape to get so high I can’t move. I do that so I can’t feel and my mind is so fogged I can’t think. I want to do this all the damn time right now. Of course I can’t because, well I need to function. I need to go to work, keep up with the family, and keep going to meetings as if nothing was severely wrong with me.
Here is another shitty thing. I know what I need to do. I am not stupid. I have done this little mental health/addict shuffle many times. I know that in the past it always ends. Someone reminded me once that one of these times, if I don’t change something, I will not come out on the other side intact.
On that note.
Peace and Unity”
I also wrote this poem and overlaid it on a picture I took when the we were at Crater Lake. I know the words are kind of hard to read. Here is the poem without the picture below.
I want you to know, if you are reading this, there is hope. Mental illness requires a lot of work to see improvement. Just taking medication, for me, only takes care of a fraction of the disease. I also need to be in therapy and learn all kinds of new coping tools that I use in my day-to-day life. I am learning them now and I know I will need to use them daily if I want to recover and to thrive in my life, to get better.
Please share this if you think it will help someone else or to give insight to someone that doesn’t understand what it is like to have depression. I will write more in the future about other mental health struggles that I have.
https://www.crisistextline.org/
Thank you for reading.
Peace and Unity
This Is Me 