I’m here, I’m queer…yup.

I am queer. If you’re don’t know what that means, that’s OK. I am writing this to put out there what I have gone through with my struggles with identity. I also hope that maybe it will help someone out there that has gone through, or is going through, the same struggles.

I started identifying as bisexual when I was in high school. I dated and was with some women over a period of a few years in my late teens and early twenties. Then I met my now ex-husband, the father of my boys. After that I was far away from the LGBTQ+ community for years. My attraction to women however had never stopped. After we divorced I still wasn’t around the LGBTQ+ community and only had a couple of friends that identified as either gay or lesbian and occasionally someone else that identified as bi. I felt, like I had many times before, that my only options were the ones in front of me, I didn’t know where else to go to connect. I have stayed out of relationships for about 10 years now. During that time I would struggle with not being in relationship and worrying over if I wanted to be in a relationship with a male or female. I did finally tell myself that I would stop fighting that and let whatever would happen in the future happen, that is what I tried to tell myself anyway. I have reflected some on that over the last year and more recently have believed that was because I didn’t want any of the options that were in front of me. Not in the sense that I wasn’t attracted to anyone around me, because that was not the case. Any feelings I had we’re not on the level of developing a romantic relationship. I also struggled with thinking no one would want to be in a relationship with someone like me, that was related to not only my sexuality but with self-worth and body issues. At times I had feelings for someone, usually women. Any guys I thought I had feelings for I later realized were guys that I felt safe around and that I trusted. I didn’t know how to process those feelings towards men, I am still working on that.

I am going to just take a moment here to discuss the issue around labels. I have had many friends, especially recently, ask if it really matters to have a label for how I identify. For me it does. My therapist helped me understand why it has been so important to me. There is a comfort in having a label to something for myself. It is hard to explain really. If I could explain it I would in hopes that it would help someone else understand why it is important to them.

A few years ago I started questioning my sexual identity. I was no longer sure I was just bi, but I didn’t have any other way to identify, I didn’t have the words for how I felt inside. Eventually I learned about being pansexual, when the attraction is not to gender but to the person and who they are. I continued to just say I was bi because explaining I was pansexual seemed like a lot of work and it was just easier to say I was bi. Really I think that was because I didn’t want people to think I was being complicated or something like that. Even though I thought of myself as pan I still was unhappy and questioning who I was, even as a person.

Starting from, I don’t know what age, I never quite felt like I fit in anywhere. There are many things that contributed to that feeling throughout the years. When I was young I didn’t like that I was a girl most of the time. I had more fun playing with the boys, getting dirty, playing war in the woods, throwing a ball and wading through the water and mud to catch crawfish and frogs. Most of the girl friends I had didn’t go for that stuff. Whenever I had to look nice it would involve a dress or skirt with a blouse, I hated it so much. At this point I did it because I thought that was what was expected of me so I had to. There were girls that would love to give me a makeover because I didn’t ever wear makeup or do my hair. Even when we were at camp someone would want to french braid my hair. I never said no because I was supposed to like it…right? I am, always have been, a people pleaser. Push over may be more accurate in some situations. So, if some wanted me to do something or act a certain way I would usually do it, I didn’t want to upset anyone by saying no. I wanted to fit in wherever I could. I was a good actor in some situations and I would play my part so no one how I felt inside, that I felt like an outsider. Let me say this now, I am an alcoholic and a addict. Drinking and doing drugs was one of the things that would, at first, help me to feel like I was a part of something. I could forget, or at least quite down, the confusion and self-hatred I felt inside when I was used. When I took a drink my insecurities would start to fade, I was no longer super awkward and afraid of social situations. Being awkward was something new to me. When I was younger I was outgoing and making friends, if I recall, wasn’t too much of a problem. Then shit happened that put a damper on that, but that is for another post at another time. For the most part I appeared to be doing great, but on the inside I was dying. When I had discovered alcohol and weed my insides did not hurt as much, I could breathe. I kept the feelings of self-hatred and my identity crisis from everyone, I bottled it all up deep inside. For years I fought feelings I had towards girls, I would push it down inside hoping it would not come back. I also was ignoring the ongoing question of why I didn’t feel like I belonged in my own body. When I was in high school I finally made friends that I could feel somewhat comfortable around. It was the 90s and I looked the part. I grew up in Minnesota but we looked like we belonged in Seattle. I had my flannel and ripped jeans down. I remember there being one other girl in our little group that didn’t follow the gender dress code as well. The guys didn’t treat me like a girl, I was one of the them. They were the main group of friends I hung out with. I was still friends with some of the girls from Girl Scouts and church (that is also for another post). Through most of high school I stayed in the closet. It was my senior year, I think (most of that time for me was a blur), I came out to a few friends as bi.

After high school I found out about the Rainbow Center in Minneapolis. I was finally around people that were like me. It was a safe haven for LGBTQ+ youth, were we could hang out and, if needed, talk to someone about how we were doing. I went to Minneapolis Pride and was overwhelmed by everything rainbow and seeing everyone being free to be who they are. Sometime after this I moved to moved to Minneapolis and met some amazing people while also going through one of the hardest times in my life. I was in full on addiction and my life was a mess. Even in the midst of all the chaos I met a guy known as Flaming John, you can imagine why. He was amazing and very supportive. He listened to me and in the end helped me get out of the destructive space I was in. Even though we may not have gone about all of it in the best way I was grateful to get out and be who I was. After our crazy adventure across the country (I may tell that story here sometime) I spent more time at the Rainbow Center and was in a few relationships with women, and had fun with more.

Sometime later I connected with an old friend and started dating him. I no longer went to the Rainbow Center as I didn’t feel like I belonged there being in a relationship with a guy. We stayed together for sometime and he moved in with me at my parents. We split just before the family and I moved to Washington State. After we moved to Washington I still didn’t reconnect with the LGBTQ+ community. My brother and I went to Pride in Seattle where I would wonder by myself feeling awkward once again not feeling like I could fit into any of the groups I saw around me.

When I started going to recovery meetings in the area I got into relationships with just men again. I was never happy. I eventually met my now ex-husband and we had two beautiful boys. When we got married I thought that was what I was supposed to do. That was before I became a feminist and learned I didn’t need to depend on a man to get me through life. Like I mentioned earlier still didn’t connect with anyone from the LGBTQ+ community after I was divorced. I got into a few more relationships with men, the last being around 10-11 years ago.

Now to being current with where I am at. I am finding I have a very strong attraction to just women. Will that change, I don’t know. The idea of being with a man again is not really appealing at this point in my life. I identify as queer or lesbian as my attraction is to females, non-binary, and gender non-conforming individuals born as/assigned female at birth. I do know that at this point in my life I am not actively seeking a relationship. I am not opposed to one, I am just going with the flow.

If you have gotten through this post I appreciate you taking the time to read it, truly. I know it was reallllly long. As I said earlier it was more for me and maybe to help someone else going through something similar.