I am in Minnesota to attend my Aunt’s funeral with my mom. I really wanted to go to a meeting (12 Step) and like to do that when I am traveling. So I look at the meeting guide app to see what was around after I met up with a friend for dinner. I decided on a 7:30 meeting not too far away. When I showed up I couldn’t figure out where it was at the church so I went back to the car. I looked in the app again and got excited when I saw there was an LGBTQ meeting only 15 minutes away! I was super early and sat in the rental getting nervous (always do at out-of-town meetings) and telling myself to stay put and “you can do this.” I watched as people started showing up in the parking lot and knew I was in the right place. I waited until there was about 10 minutes before the meeting was set to start and went in. I stood there awkwardly as the room was not all set until I unfroze and helped set up chairs. Of course I found a seat next to a pillar in the big circle, those that know me know. I sat quietly simultaneously hoping someone would introduce themselves and hoping no one would notice me. Someone did sit next to me and said hi and shook my hand and I introduced myself. I then continued to sit silently and stare at the floor, that’s what I do a lot.
Then the meeting started. As I listened to the secretary open the meeting I started to breathe easier and settle into my seat. I listened to them read what the meeting was about and who the meeting is there for; trans, queer and non-binary alcoholics and cis allies to have a welcoming and safe place to meet. Just hearing those words sent a wave of emotion over me I wasn’t expecting. They said that it was a space where we could talk about not just being sober but being queer as well and the challenges that can present. Even if I don’t have the words right in what they said that is what I heard and heard in am safe here and I can say things without having to mask what I really want to say about my struggles and triumphs. The meeting hadn’t even gotten fully started and I was already tearing up. When it was time to go around and introduce ourselves the secretary said to include pronouns and if you were from out-of-town or new to the meeting, oh boy. I have only been to one other meeting where we introduce ourselves with pronouns and that meeting was the first time I said my chosen pronouns out loud, before I came out “officially” to everyone. So when it came my turn I was more than happy to say they/them and nervous to say I was from Washington state because that generally means folks want to talk to you after and I wasn’t about that in that moment. When the reading for the topic was read I was thrown off for a moment (if you are in the know it wasn’t “conference approved literature”) because it was a reading I wasn’t used to hearing in a meeting. The reading was good and another wave of emotion came and I thought there was no way I was gonna share, it was too much. Well, I was the third person to share. I shared because I had that pull that told me it was what I needed to do, what was gonna help. I won’t tell what I shared exactly, just the feeling. I shared in a way that I never would in a major majority of the meetings I go to, not because it was against some rule, because it was the right setting with the right people. Not saying there is anything wrong with a good book study meeting, each group is autonomous. This meeting was exactly what I needed. The universe lined things up for me so I could say what I needed to and let it all flow out. It felt good to talk in front of people that knew what I was talking about and knew what I was feeling. After the meeting I talked to a few people, including one that used to live in Washington. One person helped me put something into perspective that I am worried about and I appreciated that. I left feeling better than when I arrived and that is always a good meeting.
I am sharing this experience here because I didn’t know who to share with in the moment that would understand what the whole meeting experience meant. I go to a lot of meetings and a lot of good ones. I love my home group and don’t plan on going anywhere (y’all are stuck with me). There are people in recovery meetings that don’t think there should be “special” meetings for LGBTQ+, women, men and so on. They think we should all just be fine in the same meetings and share in one way only as it relates to recovery. Recovery and what it entails looks different for everyone. Not everyone feels safe in all meetings, not safe to share or in some cases even just to be there. That is the reality of the truth in 12 step meetings. I have been around meetings for a long time and it wasn’t until I came out as non-binary that I fully understood why someone would choose to go to some meetings and not others. Even before then I wasn’t always open about being queer with any identity out of fear at some meetings. I hate feeling like I need to hide or mask who I am at any time or place, but sometimes it is the safer thing to do.
In the end I wrote this so I could share my excitement and my reality.
This Is Me 