For most of my life I haven’t felt like I fit in in so many ways. I had both girl and boy friends growing up and depending on what was going on I liked to hang out with the boys more as I got older. I would rather run around in the woods playing war then play with dolls or work on make-up skills. Not saying of course that there is anything wrong with dolls and make-up, just not my thing. I, of course, got dolls and whatnot as gifts and I remember having a dollhouse as well which was usually for when friends came over. I didn’t feel right when I was asked, or felt obligated, to wear dresses or skirts to different things where I had to look nice. When my girl friends started doing their hair and wearing make-up some felt the need to do my hair and make-up and even though I didn’t want to I went along with it because I didn’t like to let people down for any reason then. All of this went on throughout my childhood and some into adolescence. I would still get dirty and play in the creek trying to catch crawfish which led to having to get leeches off those that were a bit squeamish about such things.
Until about 4 or 5 years ago I was lost in how I felt, and how to describe, how I felt about my identity, about my authentic self. I hadn’t realized that the new terms that had been coming out from the LGBTQ+ community could ever help me. Until that point I identified as a bi-sexual cisgender (being the same gender identified at birth) female who was a tomboy. I knew the term transgender and what fell under LGBTQ and that was all. I have a friend who was helping me see all the other colors in the expanded rainbow. I went to Pride and saw so many new flags and had no clue what they all meant. Around that time I wrote a blog post about being queer and identifying as pansexual (loving the person, their spirit and who they are, not their gender) and then as a lesbian. I think after that I would, in my mind, wonder if there was more there than just trying to put a label on my sexual identity. I started to suppress the thought that there was more and would ignore it if it came up, I am still not even sure why I did avoid it.
In the last couple of years as I met people in the LGBTQ+ community that identified as being nonbinary or gender nonconforming I started looking more into it and what it meant. I did that on and off as I would still sometimes put the feelings aside that there was something there. About a year ago the thoughts that I was questioning myself and who I am became more frequent. Honestly, the thoughts confused and scared me, I thought I was too old to start questioning my gender identity. I also started to fear what others would think if I said anything. Over the years some people would react negatively when I would say I was bi, pansexual or lesbian. They would question the fact that I hadn’t been with a woman in many years and that I have two sons. It didn’t help that there was a time when there were lesbians in my life that said I should “just make a decision” and that I was “confused” when I identified as bi. So when I considered those times I worried even more about exploring my gender identity.
Just over nine months ago I hit a wall and everything was too much with my mental health and questioning myself. I went to the hospital again and this time it was scary how much I couldn’t handle anymore. About four or five months ago I talked to my therapist about my sexual identity and that I didn’t feel comfortable identifying as a lesbian, but I didn’t mention my gender struggles. I was still trying unsuccessfully to ignore the feelings again. I was starting to spiral down deeper than I already was and just wanted to hide from everything. The feelings about being uncomfortable in my own skin were getting stronger by the day and I had no idea what to do about it. I was crying nightly with a constant battle in my mind about who I was.
Around two months ago I again hit the internet reading articles and blogs written by nonbinary and gender nonconforming folks about what it meant and their journeys about what being nonbinary meant for them. The more I read the more it felt right to me that that is what will fit me more.
This last summer Isaac, my 20 year old son, came out as nonbinary using he/they pronouns one day, just casually (last year he came out to me as pansexual). Then a month ago I bought Isaac and I a couple of pins off of Etsy from a seller called PrideDad. I ordered him a pin for his apron that said “cooking with pride” and had the pride colors on it. I also ordered two nonbinary and two pansexual heart pins without telling him. So when they came and I opened up the package and he asked me why I ordered two of each I told him the second set was for me. He jokingly said “you’re stealing my stuff” but then we just laughed and continued what we were doing. Not long after that I was still getting upset and lost on where to go from there. Isaac and I were picking up coffee at Dutch Bros and somehow the subject came up and I started crying about how hard all of this has been. He then encouraged me to find a therapist that can help me process everything around my gender identity and possible gender dysphoria, that he had friends that had done it and it helped them.
As of now I have met with a therapist for about a month and a half that is helping me with the transition of identifying as nonbinary and the fears around it. My fears have been around people, particularly friends, not accepting me or being disrespectful about my identity and chosen pronouns of they/them. I know there are those in my circle of friends that feel that those that don’t fit the cisgender profile are doing it because it is “a fad” or doing it for attention, to just be different. They will argue that there are only two genders in nature and everything else is fake, a man cannot be a woman or the other way around, let alone someone saying they don’t feel female nor male. I fear how those people will react and that we can no longer be friends because a friend is someone who accepts you as you are. People have been telling me that if anyone that knows through me telling them in person or through this post reacts negatively maybe they weren’t meant to be in my life anymore. I hope that doesn’t happen, I really do. I care about all of my friends and I know a lot of them feel the same about me. The last thing I want is to lose a friend just for being who I am. I am a peacemaker and do not react well to conflict in any form and don’t know what will happen, if it comes to that, if a friend says something mean or disrespectful to me around all of this. I know it will take time for people to adjust and I am ok with that.
A couple of weeks I told my first friend that I am nonbinary and the first thing she asked was what pronouns I wanted to use and I told her they/them, I almost cried saying that all out loud to her. Her response was so kind and understanding, we talked for a while and expressed some of my fears and she helped validate them. We talked about some of the friends I was worried about coming out to and she reassured me by telling me which friends are going to support me and have my back. Telling her has given me courage to tell others. Last weekend at friendsgiving I came out to six of my female friends and they all had supportive responses and hugs for me (I am getting emotional writing this now).
On Saturday I went to a group at Peer Olympia for trans and nonbinary folks and am so glad I did, everyone was nice and welcoming and I will for sure be going back. While I was there I was able to talk to another friend that works there and he was amazing about it and super supportive and said he will be there for me and to talk to him anytime.
I have told my immediate family and they have been understanding and supportive. Every person I talk to and say out loud that I am nonbinary and using the pronouns of they/them it feels right and I get a little more courage to be me.
As I said earlier, it is going to take some people time to adjust and get used to pronouns and I am ok with that, I understand.
So, here I am, my authentic self as a nonbinary pansexual human being.
I appreciate you who have taken the time to read this post. If you have (respectful and not condescending or mean-spirited) questions I am always up for a chat, my friends know that even before now.
Enby (nonbinary) Pan (pansexual) Flag
This Is Me 